shameful hearts

Okay.

Look. Im sorry. I don't owe you an apology I don't think, but you don't owe me one either.

I've no right to bottle things up and get mad at you. We all say the wrong things sometimes, and I'm not sure which one of us it was this time around. Probably both.

But please, stop confusing me.

Maybe I'm delusional, (i probably am, but a few others have backed me up on this theory so that's encouraging) but I think that maybe... you lied.



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"We're so young, " he said 

"We don't know what we want," he said 

"We tricked  our hearts," he said. 

My head agreed. 

My heart did not.

But I nodded and we put the business behind. 

It must have been a summer mirage. 

Only I don't think it was. 

Not for me. 

My heart remained tricked. 

I was ashamed of it 

Because it is weak to be unable to control 

Your own heart 

So I hid it. 

Removed it like a cuff link 

And stuck it in my chest. 

My stubborn heart beat wildly 

It missed the fresh air and messiness

From my sleeve 

One day he found it again 

He took my heart and examined it

My heart had missed his touch 

It grew warm and happy to be on my sleeve again 

Sheepishly I asked if his heart was in a similar state 

he said no. 

But it made no sense. 

I digressed and hid my shameful heart away again 

though there was little point 

he knew. 

But I have seen glimpses of his heart 

in phone calls

Hugs 

days out 

his dependence 

my dependence

The way we always apologize 

how we have no secrets 

forgive me if my shameful, deluded heart looks

At his 

and sees love 

even if his words say different.