in the name of blue eyes.

Hi there.

I've written you enough for the both of us, but you'll always be the only person who signed my junior yearbook, and isn't that something? I know I kept you talking tonight, I'm sorry. There's just not really anyone else I want to talk to. I also know that the last thing we talked about, how I said I wasn't mentally prepared to talk about it, it might not have made sense why I wouldn't be prepared to talk about it. I didn't tell you the whole story.

I think you can guess what it was. I don't know if I'm ready to admit it. Mostly because I know you will be uncomfortable since we already kind of went through it once and I don't mean to creep you out.

I'm sort of a mess and I don't know what to write especially since I feel like I always write about you which is a little weird... But I don't know how to say the things I want to say anymore. My heart is heavy but my head is cautious and my mouth won't form the words and I always tell you I love you and it's scary knowing you love someone more than they do you, even if it's more than you ever thought it would be.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm lost.

Whether I'm lost with you or without you, I'm not sure.

This is scary.

Let me start over.

Hi there.

I write about you like I write about the stars, which is too much and too romanticized.

But beautiful.

Sorry, that was stupid.

Hi there.

Once you said the words, "You're not my sister!" To me. It was nothing but a joke, a passing moment. But for that passing moment as those words left your mouth, i imagined a world where you were my brother and we argued and fought and had burping contests and hated each other, but knew each other in a way no one but your siblings can, and loved each other in a way no one but your siblings can. For one single second you were my brother, and I thought I loved you more than anything.

That's a weird way to start this out.

One more time.

Hi there.

How do you tell someone that you love them and never want to lose them and that you want to be with them forever? How do you say, "I can't bear losing you because you're my best friend." to someone who you know doesn't consider you to be theirs, but you have to let them know somehow? Do you write letters to them every day? On paper, on your blog? Do you write multiple letters? Do you talk to them every night? Do you send them snapchats all day of things they don't care about just so they know you're thinking of them? Because you want them to think of you? Do you ask them to a dance simply because you're afraid it's your only chance?

I don't know, and I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.

This might just be a little terrifying, actually.

Sorry.