dear jackie

I wrote this a while ago, but it's still true so I decided to post it.

I've written a million billion posts just like this and I told myself I would stop but then I remembered that I don't give a shit. This is my blog and I'll write about anything I deem worthy of writing about.

(Sorry, that was really aggressive. It was more directed at me than you, because I'm the one responsible for the above, not you. So don't feel bad.)

Anyway. This has been a message from our sponsors I guess.

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Ouch.

I've never experienced physical heartache before.

It hurts.

I have a lot to say to you. I always do. But... This is going to be pretty much everything I want to say to you that I never have the courage to say.

Sorry I needed to talk to you so badly tonight, but I had several good reasons:

1. We shouldn't go to bed mad at each other, even if it was mostly a joke.
2. You leave on your mission in mere months and I want to make the most of the time we have left.
3. I never get to see you anymore outside of rehearsals where I'm not allowed to be your friend, so these phone calls are kind of all we have left.
4. I like listening to you talk, I enjoy your presence on the other end of the line when we talk. Even if we're not talking.
5. My heart hurts.

I know you're busy. I wish I could shoulder some of that burden for you, but I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how to make up for it. Mostly I feel like I add to the load though.

This is the part where I talk about my journal for just a second. I wish words on a screen could convey emotion, because I just love you so damn much. I love you so much that when your shirt is tucked into your basketball shorts I smile because its just so goofy and cute. I love almost everything about you. You're beautiful. Your heart is beautiful, your soul, your words.

Next order of business: apologies.
I'm sorry for loving you so much. I've wanted to say that to you for a long time, but I've never had the chance.

I want to kiss you. How do I say to someone that I love them so much and that i want to be their first kiss? Sometimes I think about it. I won't do that to you, though. But i want you to know.

Can I ask something of you? Will you try to live in the present with me? You're slipping further away everyday and I hate missing you before you've left. I know you're busy and trying to secure your future, but you're neglecting what's right in front of you and it's breaking my heart.

Some days I live to see your face. Sometimes I'm rude, but it's just so I don't seem too attached to you. You are my best friend, and I'm praying that it stays that way for a long time. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I just went back and read through all this and the idea of showing it to you terrifies me, but I'm sure you'll see it one way or another. I know you don't often know what to say when I bring up these things, but maybe you could try writing me a reply this time.

-hailey